Going Half the Distance

SPOILER ALERT: Don't read unless you have finished "A Discovery of Witches".

OK I've had days and days to think about it.  And I think the reason the "non-sex sex" bothered me has become very clear:  It's because they did everything else!  What's with that?  If they had remained platonic longer...maybe even spent half the book not getting along...and just did some kissin'-n-huggin' toward the end...I'd have accepted that they didn't consummate the vampire marriage.  But to jump into bed nekid...and be all lovin' up on each other...and inserting various digits into various crevices...THAT is what I had a hard time wrapping my brain around.  Not to MENTION the fact that we know she went downtown (in her sheet tent) and he most likely did as well.  I mean, come on!  If someone is going to jump into bed naked with you - time and time again - I don't see how it's POSSIBLE that you're not going to have intercourse the old fashioned way.  Hell - if nothing else - then by ACCIDENT when he's kissing her collarbone and she's musing about their bodies fitting perfectly.

And I get the bundling thing.  I find it somewhat intriguing in both its stupidity and its sweetness.  But I don't consider what Matthew and Diana were doing to be bundling or anything close to it.  They had their clothes off.  And they weren't just talking.  They had ORGASMS for god's sake!  Let's call a spade a spade.

And also - Matthew kept talking about wanting to take his time and make their first joining of nether regions special.  Well boyfriend better absolutely DELIVER in Book 2, dontcha think?  OH yeah.  I am giddy with glee in anticiPAtion of it already!!

For the Love of God...will Somebody Please Get me a Cold Shower?

SPOILER ALERT: Don't read unless you have read "A Discovery of Witches" in its entirety.

Just finished.  And I don't know how to feel about that.  Oh right...I *do* know how to feel about that.  Like this:

WTF????  The book ends and they STILL haven't done the deed?  I'm sorry but that is just stone, cold MEAN Deborah.  Now really.  I'm assuming it's because a) Diana will become preggars on contact and b) It worked for Stephenie - why not Deborah?!  Only it didn't work for Deborah any better than it worked for Stephenie...because I am annoyed.  And I think I could have dealt with it if there had been SOMETHING toward the end of the book.  But there was not, oh no...because we were STUCK in that pain-in-the-ass dwelling with five million house guests who wouldn't leave!  The fact that Matthew and Diana had to sneak out to the apple tree (which was, admittedly, pretty hot) was just a little too 9th grade for me to handle.

Moving on...

I loved the relationship between Marcus and Em and I shed a tear or two while reading about the nice things they did for each other.  (How cute were the cranberries?!)  I finally embraced Sarah because she finally embraced Matthew...but she was on shaky ground for quite a long time.  And if girlfriend gets uppity again, I may have to go back to wanting to give her a crack in the fictitious keester.

Diana was way cooler earlier on in the book.  Toward the end she was a little too Bella for my taste.  She just sat around while Matthew made her tea and rubbed her feet.  And that became a little old as well.  "Um, Hi, Matthew?  It's Carol.  Listen buddy...between your no-sex sex and your constant Diana ministrations, you're kindof turning into - how shall I say this?  Oh yeah, a BIG, FAT WUSS!!!!!!!!  OK got my point?  Great.  Love ya!  Mean it!"

Still love Granny and all the wiseacre ghosts...they made the Madison house bearable.  Nathaniel did NOT.  God he was a pain in the ass.  So was Sophie but she was nice, at least.

The scene where Matthew almost died so Diana fed him and then almost died so then _________ (fill in the blanks because I'm still not sure what they did to revive her; blood transfusion??) seemed kindof there for show...and I felt like it wasn't worthy of other parts of the book.

And Marion? Or whatshername?  (Why can't I remember her name??) Can somebody PLEASE tell me why they keep her around?? Is she related to ANYONE??  Matthew killed her husband?  Or her husband was killed because of Matthew?  Regardless...is she there because of Matthew's obligation to her dead ex?  Because she is a pain in the ass.  I tried to hard to like her - and she was amusing at times - but I felt like Marcus could have easily provided the information she gave on a consistent basis.

OK so overall - I really did like it...even though the sting of celibacy is still strong.  But I'll get over it and remember all the good things like Ysabeau, Marthe and Hamish and their monstrous dwellings and even more monstrous attitudes.   There were times I could not WAIT to read it.  And I will read #2 in 2012.  But I can only hope Deborah Harkness might actually read the reviews and critiques of amazing authors like Diana Gabaldon...and use them to do wonderful things with Book #2??

One More Thing

I really do not like Sarah.  She's condescending and immature.  If she makes one more rude remark to Matthew - or even Em - I may have to pretend to punch her in her fictitious nose.   It's bad enough she abuses Matthew (and he handles her beautifully, I might add) but she's borderline emotionally abusive to Em.  They go off to make dinner which consists of Em cooking and Sarah drinking bourban and abusing Em's cooking.  Nice.  NOT.  I don't know why anyone would want to be around this woman (unless they had an injury she could easily fix.)

Who Needs France When There's Upstate New York?!

SPOILER ALERT:  Do not read unless you have read Chapter 35 in A Discovery of Witches.

I really should blog more but I am SO WRAPPED UP in this book, I can't even bear to be away from it.  And what really stinks is that I am 78% through it (thank you Kindle for not giving me page numbers!)  and I know that when it's over; it's over!  Sob!

OK so let's get this over with first:  There was a little naked romp where Matthew proclaimed "oh we're not having sex tonight" the second he got into the bed.  WHAT is up with THAT?  Either way - I didn't care because lorddddddd he is a lot of fun to cuddle with, is he not?  Mmm Hmm.  Sure is.  That man is FINE and can NOT do me any time he wants.  I'll settle for him standing outside the bath, holding my towel. Yup.

I LOVED the part where she was kidnapped...and that rescue was awesome.  I was so thankful that Deborah Harkness didn't make us wait too long for Diana to be found.  It was the perfect amount of "Oh my god he'll never find her!" and "Oh my god he found her!"  LOL 

OK I have to admit, I was sad when they left Sept-Tours.  I didn't want to leave!  I feel so attached to OM and Marthe...they are like family!  And now we're stuck in upstate NY with Sarah who is soooo crotchety...and Em who I actually like a lot.  But lordddddd get us back to France.  The only thing making NY bearable is the ghost of grandma.  She's hilarious!  I love all the ghosts and wish there was more mention of them.

OK no seriously - I don't hate upstate NY (I have relatives in both Syracuse AND Rochester) but I just loved feeling pampered in France...and I loved all the history references.  This is a little too close to real life for me now.  And I get defensive when Sarah gets her bitchy on with Matthew.  I think I'd have to stay at a hotel.

Marcus and Marion (what the hell is her name? I always forget) are on their way to the Bishop house as I type.  Not thrilled with Diana calling Marcus her "son" - I don't care how vampire-married she is to Matthew.   It's too soon for that.  How about getting a little cake first and maybe a little white dress?  Just sayin'.

How much do I love when she comes out of the bathroom and Matthew is - ever protectively - lying on the bed, playing with his phone so he can keep an eye on her?  Oh yes I do loves me some of THAT!  Can't you just see him in his little black socks because he took his shoes off so as not to get the comforter dirty??? I don't know why but I find that absurdly adorable for a 1500 year old vampire.

I am glad Diana is in the process of getting some closure with her parents...and that she now knows what happened and why they had to go to Africa.  We are piecing together the letter and the Ashmole page from Rebecca and Stephen right now; I'll keep you posted.

And bottom line:  I have zero clue how this is going to end but I'll tell you what - I'm already jonesing for the next one!

A Hunting We Will Go

SPOILER ALERT:  Don't read unless you have read up to the first three pages of Chapter 28 in A Discovery of Witches.

So Diana insisted on going hunting with Matthew and watching him feed.  One word:  GROSS!!!  No wait, two:  DUMB!!!  WHY on god's green earth does girlfriend feel the need to watch her vampire boyfriend - I mean "husband" (but we'll get back to that) - take down a deer and suck the blood out of it?? Does this make their relationship stronger?? I don't think so.  She wants him to trust her - so have him tell you about his past.  Get it out of him (preferably by not proclaiming you know everything about his wife/son dying and that OM told you.  Abrasive, party of you?)  But watching him feed?  I get the whole "trust" thing - but there are some things in a relationship that can be left to the imagination.  If he were human, would you insist on watching him sit on the throne, too? (And I don't mean the monarch-sort.)

If it were me, I'd be like "Oh Matthew dear...I'm just going to sit here in your huge bed and let Marthe bring me baked goods and flavored decaf (not a tea drinker) whilst you run around the forest doing...whatever it is that you do.  Maybe I'll even do some clothes shopping with OM (which I am truly hoping happens at some point.  How delicious would that be??)  Catch ya later!!  Let's meet back up for some good lovin' and a back rub around 4.  Ok....break!"

Now back to the "husband/wife" part.  I'm only 3 pages in to the chapter so I don't know much - but Matthew finally revealed to Diana that - in the vampire world - they are married.  Yippee!  Works for me!  He's gorgeous - splendidly rich - worships me - and will never NOT be hot because he's a vampire.  My god - it doesn't get any better than that!  And if he decides to run off with a younger witch down the road...girlfriend can take HALF!  ;)

My Matthew Clairmont

Have I mentioned who my Matthew is?  Coincidentally, his name is also Matthew.  Matthew Goode.  Feast your eyes...

I'm Sorry...Did I Miss the Feathers?!?!

SPOILER ALERT: Don't read unless you've read Chapter 26 in "A Discovery of Witches".  

I must also warn you that this is probably the most shallow post in the history of posting.  But I can't help it.  It must be said.

WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON???????

Matthew came home from Oxford...Diana jumped into his arms...and ever since then I've been scratching my head (which is why I had to jump up from my bed at Midnight to post this.)  First there was the little business of getting down to business...on the DRIVEWAY.  I can't IMAGINE what Ysabeau must have thought when she looked out the window and saw Matthew's hand on Diana's left breastasie...and both of Diana's hands on his derriere.  I mean WTF is THAT???  It was just...I dunno...awkward???  I couldn't get into it because I was like "Dude - are you in the 8th grade?? You did NOT just grab her boob in the DRIVEWAY!"

OK so THEN - she's like "yeah so Ysabeau told us we're bound now...and we went inside and discussed his trip...and then in front of the fireplace in his study he found all my ticklish parts."  Um...could someone please tell me what the EFF just happened??  Did they consummate the relationship??  Did I miss it?!  Or did they just TICKLE each other?!?  And then, later, after dinner, they both put on their jammies and went to sleep.  Literally!  They WENT TO EFFING SLEEP!!!!

I am about to have a bit of an attack here...so can someone please answer this question - and this question ONLY - with a simple "yes" or "no"...because the mere mention of them going to see a movie or washing their car is a SPOILER in my humble opinion.  (And I should apologize because I have skipped a lot of comments thus far due to this very thing.  Call me crazy.  I don't mind!)  OK - drum roll please...

Did they do the nasty in front of the fireplace in the study?! 

If not, I will be happy.  Blue-balled...but happy.  If so - I feel 10 times more jipped than when Edward bit the headboard.  SERIOUSLY.

Hangin' on the Telephone

SPOILER ALERT:  Don't read unless you have read Chapter 25 in "A Discover of Witches".

He told her he loves her!!!!  On the...telephone!  Ohhhh it was soooo cute!  And soooo Matthew!  Boyfriend had his little temper tantrum after the jerkey Michele vamp showed up and tried to scare he and Diana into blowing each other off for eternity.  And then he left.  Back to Oxford he went and left poor Diana there with Ysabeau and Marthe.  Scary, party of 2?  Nah - just 1.  Marthe is the vampire grandmother I never had, what with all that candle lighting, sandwich making, pastry puffing...I could do with a week or two at Sept-Tours - oh yes indeed I could!  And Ysabeau - well I'm warming up to her.  I just wish she'd hunt on her own time.  Watching a grown woman scarf down rabbit blood while sporting her best Dior is kindof disconcerting, no?

At any rate...Matthew told Diana he didn't want to be her special treaty-breaking, vampire friend anymore before he left for Oxford...which made girlfriend sweat buckets of sea water (lordddd was I worried about castle flooding) only to call and tell her he's on his way home and that he "loves her".  Can I get an "Awwwwww" everybody?  Well yes, I bet I can!!  (((claps hands like a 4th grader)))

OK so here is the song that this chapter reminds me of:

"Hanging On The Telephone" - Blondie

I heard your mother now she's going out the door
Did she go to work or just go to the store
All those things she said, I told you to ignore
Oh why can't we talk again

Oh why can't we talk again 

Oh why can't we talk again

Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

It's good to hear your voice, you know it's been so long
If I don't get your call then everything goes wrong
I want to tell you something you've known all along

Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

I had to interrupt and stop this conversation
Your voice across the line gives me a strange sensation
I'd like to talk when I can show you my affection
Oh I can't control myself
Oh I can't control myself
Oh I can't control myself
Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

Hang up and run to me
Whoah, hang up and run to me
Whoah, hang up and run to me
Whoah, hang up and run to me
Whoah oh oh oh 

Run to me

French Fries, French Dressing, French Bread...and to drink; YOU!

Spoiler Alert - Don't read unless you have read Chapter 18 in A Discovery of Witches.

OK so we have arrived in France on Edward's - I mean Matthew's private plane...and have shown up at the home of his "Other Mother" - Ysabeau.  (How many of you could pronounce that on first site?  Me neither.)  I say "Edward" because - c'mon - sometimes this book is sooooo Twilight it makes me a) giggle, b) wonder if Stephenie Meyer's lawyers are involved - KIDDING - and c) miss Edward and then remember "Oh Shit - Matthew's just as hot and way more rich!" 

So - Ysabeau - who I will now refer to as OM (other mother) out of sheer laziness because the shiz is hard to type - is a total and complete beotch.  And we knew that going in, right?  Yes, yes we did.  HOW all of these vampires have such an allegiance to the people who turned them is somewhat beyond me.  I guess it's because - under all that "Waaaa, I've been alive for centuries and everyone knows I'm differenttttt", they truly think they're a superior race - and can accept having been turned into a monster.  (Except on Vampire Diaries, y'all...where the vamps hate being vampires.  Oooooh children...mama can't WAIT until September...no she can NOT!  Stefan, party of MEAN?  LOVES IT!)

So anyway - I - I mean Diana - is feeling all kinds of under-dressed...and you know what?  Girlfriend SHOULD.  Pooooor thing...can't be bothered shopping for anything but black pants and turtlenecks (what is with THAT???) because she has no time in between obsessive-rowing, power-reading and witch-offending.  I mean, really.  Get your ass to Loft, girl!  They have those stupid 30% off sales all the time!  If I were OM, I'd be annoyed with your "I'm too smart to dress well" ass, too!

Off to read.  This is so much fun! 

Look Dad! No Heartbeat!

SPOILER ALERT:  Don't read unless you have read Chapter 16 in A Discovery of Witches.

So here we are...rolling along...and thinking we've hit a huge enough scene with Diana getting all kinds of an earful from that rudedog, Knox and ending up being held against her will (and against Hottie McVampy's chest - in Matthew's rooms.  Don't you wish you had "rooms"?)  So it's alREADY pretty exciting.  Then when they get back to Diana's, girlfriend gets a HORRIBLE photo in the mail of her poor, dead parents - entrails and all.  And I'm like "Wow - this has gotten good!" - but expecting we'll be back in the Bodleian inspecting manuscripts and getting the stink eye from Sean and Marian in a matter of paragraphs.

BUT NO!  Because to what to my wandering eyes did appear but CARLISLE CULLEN- in the form of MATTHEW CLAIRMONT - turning Marcus after the Battle of Brandywine - and now Carol's head is truly exploding.

The Battle of Brandywine happened 20 miles from where I grew up in Paoli...another Revolutionary War battle I was waxing poetic about last week on My Outlander Purgatory.  So when we went from Diana tossing her cooks in front of Matthew - yet again (um, ew) - to Matthew turning Marcus and being referred to as his "father" every five minutes - and having spent time in my homeland...well...you can see how my brain went into a bit of a tailspin.

Not only do we find out Marcus is Matthew's proverbial "son" in vamp terms...but we find out Matthew is French (I think) and killed lots of Red Coats in the Revolutionary war.  And we find this out literally out of NOWHERE, I might add!  So poor Diana is all Ambiened out on her bed, having no CLUE that her blood has qualities of The Wicked Witches of the North, South, East and West in ADDITION to Witchie Poo and that scary-eyed witch from Robin Hood - all mixed up into one.  And all of this is going on as a side story, as nonchalant as a bag of chips being left on the table.  Seriously.  I'm stunned.

Damn you, Matthew Clairmont!

I have tried extremely hard to get this damned vampire out of my brain today...but it is NOT working.  Whilst at Costco today, what did I do while walking by the books section?  Look for A Discovery of Witches.  What did I think when I saw the smoked salmon?  "Oh Matthew would like that." And what did I do when I got home?  Searched endlessly through photos of the Bodleian.  Because I wish I were there...right now...shooting electricity from my fingers and opening that damned manuscript.

Yeah.  I think I may be hooked. Stay tuned...

A Discovery of Purgatory

This is a little side-blog to My Outlander Purgatory and My Twilight Purgatory.  I am reading the novel, A Discovery of Witches by Deborah E. Harkness and, as usual, I feel the need to talk about it!

Hope you'll discuss with me!