Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Eat Your Heart Out

SPOILER ALERT: I am currently on Chapter 12 in "Shadow of Night".

So there Diana and Matthew sit - on either side of Phillipe - eating a lovely dinner (prepared by "Chef", who I can't help picturing as the muppet with the same name) on the first night of their 3 day wedding extravaganza.

Personally, I could have stood 3 more chapters of them lounging by the fire with Matthew gently caressing the fleshy area behind her knee...but that's just me.

I can't help but giggle at the typical description of the menu.  "...Grilled eel, a delicious puree of lentils, salt cod in garlic sauce...and the entire fish that swam through a gelatinous sea of aspic..."

Oh my god - I think I just threw up in my mouth a little!  And these heroines who go back in time are always all "Yum - aren't all the fish and small birds served with the feathers on so delightful?"

NO!  They aren't delightful!  They're disgusting...and you know it!  Just ONCE I'd like a heroine from today to go back in time, take one look at that shit and say "OH my god - HOW am I going to EAT this fishy, slimy crap?!?"

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not that picky of an eater.  I like to try new things.  I eat raw sushi.  But some of the stuff they write about when all these people are time traveling is so disgusting, I can barely type about it without gagging.

Let's review Carol's 16th century tastes, shall we?
Yes, please!

Ploughman's platter? Yes.
Meat and potatoes?  Yes.
Grapes and cheese?  Most definitely, yes.

But an entire fish that "swam" through ANYTHING gelatinous?! NO friggin way in hell!

Diana's "heart lifted as the laughter and music swelled".  Yeah well my heart would have had to have been resuscitated because there is no way in hell I would eat any of that stuff - 16th century delicacy or not!  I'd have been shooting Matthew dagger glances behind Philippe's head and whispering "You'd better get me an effing piece of bread and the biggest pewter cup of wine you can find; and bring me some butter, too!!!"


  1. OMG I SO NEEDED THESE LAST TWO POSTS!!!!!!! I am having a crappy day at work, eating lunch at my desk reading this! My peeps that sit next to me wondering what the hell is up!!!
    Thank you!!!

  2. LOL Julie - I have been cracking myself up today! And I'm at the BEST PART right now!!! I had to stop and blog!!!! :)

  3. LOL And you know that I'm a vegetarian, so I'm always wondering what in the hell I would eat when/if I someday slip through the stones... Wait, what book are we talking about again?? ;-)

    1. Cari - you would eat the slimy fish in gelatinous whatever it is! That's what you would eat!!! ;) PS - I thew a crossed out "Claire" in one of my posts, too. LOL You just can't help but compare!

  4. hey carol,
    your posts are so hilarious. i'm lovin' book two, even though i'm not as far along as you. to go along with your post, check out a british series on the cooking channel(166 on fios in nj) on sat. nights at 9pm...the series is called "the supersizers go," and it sets a food critic and a comedian back into different countries and times (kind of like bill and ted's excellent adventure), except the focus is food. the couple in the series has to live and dress and eat the food in the particular era for a week. they go back to the french revolution, the regency period, the medieval times in england, etc. funny as all get out, but insightful. they are usually set back into time in england. if you haven't seen any episodes, check it out! --julie in montclair


    1. OMG Julie - that show sounds AWESOME. I just forwarded your comments to my husband and said "We HAVE to watch this!!!" You had me at Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure!!!!

  5. Julie, that show sounds so interesting! We're getting a new PBS channel here that will feature current British programming. I hope we get that one...

  6. cari--it's on the cooking channel (not the food channel), if you have cable. google "the supersizers go" and you'll see exactly where they've been--anywhere from ancient rome to the 1970's (england, of course). very, very funny, and very english.
    carol--yes, you'll love it. find it on sat. nights. educational, but v. funny.
    back to the book--you all are way ahead of me. i'm still picturing matthew's dad as a dead ringer for vigo (that picture that came alive) in ghost busters II, although that old king/guy from braveheart has the grrrrrr factor down pat!
    --Julie in Montclair

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